Dictionary.com defines the verb forgive as "to renounce anger or resentment against."
In an article on the 10 steps to forgiveness, Diana Robinson, PhD, writes that "For many people forgiveness is one of the hardest steps of all in our progress toward freedom of spirit. Yet it is essential. For as long as we are unable to forgive, we keep ourselves chained to the unforgiven. We give them rent-free space in our minds, emotional shackles on our hearts, and the right to torment us in the small hours of the night."
Common myths about forgiveness
One of the many reasons people find it hard to forgive is that they are unclear on what forgiveness really means. In a great article entitled How to Forgive: 10 Guidelines , Minister Victor Parachin references work by Robert Enright, a PhD and education psychologist who describes four things that true forgiveness is not:
Forgetting. In some situations, particularly in the case of random or extreme violence, forgetting may simply not be possible.
Excusing or condoning. Wrong is wrong. Period. Certain actions should not be accepted, denied, minimized, or justified, under any circumstances.
Reconciliation. It's possible to forgive someone who has hurt you without rekindling a relationship with them. Sometimes reconciliation is not possible or advisable.
Weakness. Forgiveness does not make you weak or powerless. In fact, the opposite is true. It gives you strength. As Minister Parachin notes, "Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give you yourself. Bitterness and anger imprison you emotionally. Forgiveness sets you free."
It doesn't matter whether or not the person you're forgiving has asked for forgiveness, or even thinks that he/she needs forgiving. The act of forgiving is more about you than about them anyway. It's about making the life-altering shift from "victim" to "survivor".
Understanding "why" is not essential to forgiveness. There are some acts of cruelty that we will never understand. In many cases, the person responsible can't provide a reasonable explanation for his or her behavior.
Forgiveness doesn't necessarily involve publicly acknowledging your forgiveness to the person you are forgiving. If you were hurt by a stranger, you may not even know who he is or how to contact him. He may not know that you have forgiven him, but God knows. And that's the most important thing. By all means, if it's possible and appropriate, let the person know you have forgiven him, but don't use the inability to tell him you have forgiven him as an excuse for not doing so.
The benefits of forgiveness
- Lower stress and stress-related emotions (anger, hostility, bitterness, fear, distrust, depression)
- Great physical well-being (lower blood pressure, less muscle tension, improved sleep)
- Greater peace of mind
- Greater spiritual well-being
- Lower risk of alcohol and/or drug abuse
- Improved relationships
- Improved self-esteem
What the Bible says about forgiveness
So why forgive? There are a lot of psychological (and related physical) reasons for forgiveness. We can search for and find answers to that question that are lengthy and complex. Or, we can choose to forgive for one very simple reason, because God requires it of us.
If I forgive people their trespasses, my heavenly Father will also forgive me. (Matthew 6:14)
And whenever I stand praying, if I have anything against anyone, I forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go) in order that my Father Who is in heaven may also forgive my my failings and shortcomings and let them drop. But if I do not forgive, neither will my Father in heaven forgive my failings and shortcomings. (Mark 11:25-26)
Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32)
Now, however, it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him. (2 Corinthians 2:7-8)
No matter how deep the pain or how long ago it happened, it's never too late to forgive. Forgiving is not easy and rarely happens over night. It can be a painful process, but growth often is. Nonetheless, the benefits we gain from forgiving those that have hurt us are well worth it in the end.
Update: As hard as forgiving someone who has hurt us can be, forgiving some people can be even harder. Why is it so hard to forgive a family member?
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